One area all married couples have to continually deal with is how do you handle life when you have hurt each other with something you have said or done? Depending on how you deal with the situation, the two of you will either feel like a barrier has gone up between you both or a bridge has been built that will draw you closer to one another. Let’s look at how drawing closer can become a reality when you daily practice the two steps in what we call – The Spirit of Forgiveness.

The Spirit of Forgiveness

Step #1 – When you have been hurt by your mate – Forgive them

That means you are choosing to not hold onto the pain, or punish them, but rather to banish the offense from your heart. At times that can be difficult but God can work that in your heart as you draw close to Him.

There was a time period in our marriage where forgiveness was hard for Yvonne to practice. Instead when a hurt happened and she felt offended, she would quickly mark it on the “How My Mate Has Hurt Me” board and carry that board around 24/7. Yvonne will admit she even relished the idea of writing down each and every hurt. Unfortunately marking on that board only caused anger to build within her. Then at the most inopportune time she would unleash at Bob all the hurts written on the board. She reached a point where she knew she had to learn how to keep the eraser handy on the Board of Hurts.

She learned the key to keeping the eraser handy on that board by interviewing couples who have been married 50-plus years. We always ask them what was the one secret that has helped their marriage and they would all say the same thing – “Never go to bed angry with one another.”

Whether they knew it or not they were practicing what the Bible teaches in Ephesians 4:26, where it says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” This verse is telling us to deal with things when they occur and not let them pile up. Otherwise the little things will grow and become monumental things that build a barrier.

This is because when we are hurt and get angry we feel a separation between us. Then the Evil One plays upon your feelings of annihilation and before too long it feels like a chasm has occurred between the two of you. Now the devil has a foothold where everything you do or think is filtered through feelings of hurt. No wonder we do not feel close. So keep that eraser handy with forgiveness on the little things that happen daily so you can keep a bridge between you both.

Step #2 – When you have hurt your mate – Accept responsibility for your actions.

When you are the offender – what do YOU do? Do you shrug it off, justify it, or blame your mate? Bob use to try to take the focus off of what he did and making it seem like it was Yvonne’s fault. He came to the realization that by doing this he was only adding fuel to the fire and making matters worse. Also as he read the Bible he knew that in Matthew 5:23-24 it told him that if he had wronged someone (like Yvonne) he had the responsibility to restore that relationship.

The way to accept responsibility for your actions is to admit you were wrong. Do not try to whitewash it. Express regret by telling them you are sorry for what has occurred and ask forgiveness. Then do one last step by asking, “Please tell me how to make it right?” An action like this will keep the bridge open and bring restoration to your marriage.

Now it is your turn. For the next month, make a pact with your mate that you both will daily practice the Spirit of Forgiveness. See if we are not right in how the Lord will help you tear down the barriers and build a bridge in your marriage.