“Aw, forget it,” Yvonne said, as she walked out of the room, leaving Bob standing there rather bewildered and not sure what just happened.

Just 15 minutes earlier we had warmly greeted each other with a smile, a hug and a kiss after being separated all day.

But everything changed when Yvonne started telling Bob about her day.

Yvonne: “I cannot believe all the things I have to get done this week. I never have any time for myself.”

Bob: “You should quit your job so you will have more time to do all the things you want to do. You do not have to work so hard or put in those long hours.”

Yvonne: “You do not understand. I like my job, but I still have so much to do here at home and work. I cannot seem to do it all.”

Bob: “Hey, c’mon, I help around the house. Do you want me to do more?”

Yvonne: “No, I am not asking you to do more, but I just can not do it all.”

Bob: “The house does not have to look perfect. It is not that important.”

Yvonne: “It is important. Do you not want a home that is clean and in order? You just do not understand.”

Bob: “What do you mean, I do not understand? I told you how to solve your problem.”

Yvonne: “I am not asking you to solve anything. You really do not get it. You never listen to me.”

Bob: “Get what??? I don’t even know what we are arguing about!”

While this conversation is going on Bob is thinking, “Yvonne is in distress. That’s why she is telling me something is wrong. I want to be helpful, so I will put on my Mr. Fix It Hat to solve her problem. If I do that surely her distress will go away.”

So what Bob is expecting to hear in his ears is Yvonne adoringly whispering, “Oh, honey, thank you so much for your solution. I so appreciate your input. You are so wonderful.” Instead of hearing words of appreciation, for his ‘gift of advice,’ he has a wife who is upset with him. He thinks, “Man, you just cannot win!”

Meanwhile, Yvonne is thinking, “I am really stressed out right now. All I want Bob to do is listen to me. Empathize with me. Help me know that the feelings I have right now are not so strange.”

What Yvonne wants to hear in her ears is, “Hon, I know it must be frustrating not having enough time for yourself. Tell me more for I am listening, and I care.” Instead she feels Bob does not think she knows how to handle things and has to tell her what to do.

MEN LIKE TO SOLVE PROBLEMS AND WOMEN LIKE TO SHARE PROBLEMS

No wonder we were at olds with each other. We communicate on different wave lengths.

Most men are doers. They like to take action. Most men are challenged when they are presented with a problem and they want to solve it and fix it. This is especially true if it is his wife, because he thinks it is his fault if she is sharing feelings or thoughts about a problem.

But with most wives, when they share a problem they are expressing feelings about the situation. Talking about them helps her sort through them and better understand them. That is why she needs her husband to listen and not jump in to fix it.

IS THERE A SOLUTION?

After many years being at odds with each other in this particular area, we finally worked out a solution.

Yvonne: “On my part I had to prepare Bob to listen. There were times I wanted him to solve the problem and there were times I just wanted him to listen and sympathize with me. The catch for Bob was he often did not know which road I was traveling down when I started talking. So we worked out this technique where, when I started sharing my problem, he would raise his hand and ask me, “Do you want a Solution or Sympathy?” This would let Bob know what road I was on.”

Bob: “Then on my part when she would say ‘sympathy” I would curb my inclination to interrupt her and I would listen without trying to fix it. At times this was hard because it flew against my instincts. It seemed that on more than a few occasions I had to mentally shove several magazines in my mouth to keep me from jumpin’ in to solve the problem. In the process of learning to listen I found if I took the time to ask questions as she was telling me about a situation, she felt I cared.

Yvonne: “I knew how hard it was for Bob to not try and fix it, but I told him that in essence by listening he was fixing it. I let Bob know he was helping me, just in a different way. To balance all this out, though, I must confess there were occasions when I would approach him and say, “Honey, I do not, repeat do not want your sympathy. I want you to fix this one for me.” Bob would jump up with a big smile and shout, “All right. Now I feel goooooood!”

By using the Solution or Sympathy technique we are practically living out the verses found in Philippians 2:3-7. We are going to paraphrase it so it will more specifically relate to a husband and wife –

“Husbands and Wives, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider your spouse better than yourself. Each of you married couples should look not just to your own interests, but also to the interests of your mate. Your attitudes should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, Who being in very nature God…took the very nature of a servant. So, husbands and wives, serve one another.”

And to be sure that you have Peace With God we would like to encourage you to visit www.billygraham.org and then click on Spiritual Help followed by clicking on Steps To Peace With God. You may want to share this link with family and friends.