The other evening Bob was telling me about a situation that had occurred for him that day. As he was talking, I was busy planning in my mind my next day but to let him think I was listening I would periodically give him the obligatory “uh-huh.”

After a few minutes an unexpected problem arose for me. He stopped talking and was patiently waiting for my response to a question he had just asked. At this point in our conversation I had not a clue as to what he had been talking about. I frantically tried to figure out what it was by asking him to expand upon his question. Fortunately Bob has a good sense of humor and when I said that he responded with, “You are busted my beloved wife for not really listening.” I was caught red handed.

We started to talk about what had just happened and we both admitted we were starting to fall into the habit of not listening to one another. We knew it by all the misunderstandings we had been recently having as well as the often used comment to one another, “You never told me about…”.

Boy did we need a listening intervention. Starting with what it says in the Bible in James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” ? and then adding some practical tips – we had a winning combination.

Six Listening Tips

1. Remove distractions

What prevents you from giving your full attention to the person speaking? Could it be the TV, computer, I-pad, cell phone – turn away from them or turn them off.

2. Maintain eye contact

Look at the person who is speaking. It does two things. First it gives them a very strong nonverbal message that lets them know they are important and you care about what they have to say. Secondly it allows you to get the full message because communication is more than just hearing words. It is also observing their body language. Rolling of the eyes, arms crossed, tapping of the foot all give a fuller meaning to what is being said.

3. Tune In

Direct your mind to what is being spoken so you will know how to respond correctly. A technique Yvonne uses is to take mental notes of what is being said, just as if she were physically writing it down. This helps her stay tuned in rather than rehearsing what she is going to say next.

4. Respond to what is being said

The best way to look at responding is to think of it as a game of catch. The speaker throws the ball to you by saying something, you catch the ball and then throw it back to them by responding with a question or at least a nod, grunt, or uh-huh which is signaling to them to keep talking.

If you do not respond they will either repeat what they just said as they do not think you heard them or else they will stop talking, thinking you do not care what they have to say.

5. Ask questions

Use the questions to draw the person out more. Avoid questions that begin with “why” as they could feel attacked and get defensive. Instead ask questions that begin with what, who, when, where, how. Also use questions to clarify a point. “Are you saying…?” or “What did you mean when you said…?”

6. Make time to listen

With busy schedules we often do not make the opportunities to have conversations where we can practice our listening skills. Some good ways we could make time is have a daily chat time, have a meal together, work on a chore or project together, go for a walk. And when you have these times, make sure you are rested so you will want to engage in conversation.

Keep in mind the way we listen to others can convey the love of Christ in a very practical way. In your next week, put into practice the six listening tips and see what it will do for your relationships.